Speaking Parts

In New Column by John Tebbutt

What does the crotch say?

This week, Video Vulture looks at films and other media in which genitals are given their own personalities, identities and lines of dialogue.

Chatterbox (1977).

Poor Penelope! Her vagina has suddenly gained the ability to speak, and reveals this talent by loudly insulting her boyfriend’s sexual performance, causing the poor guy to storm out in a huff. Penelope’s verbose crotch (now named “Virginia”) keeps chatting away, embarrassing and amazing all passersby. Eventually, word of the chatty snatch gets out, and Virginia starts doing the talk-show circuit, and embarks on a singing career, while the all-but-ignored Penelope squirms with unease. This ridiculous, tasteless comedy is enlivened by a game performance from Candice Rialson, and by a supremely silly sex scene, in which a man dresses Penelope up like a medieval princess, and climbs into bed wearing full plate armour.

Me and Him (1988).

Sort of a male version of Chatterbox, in which Bert (Griffin Dunne) finds himself arguing with his own penis (voiced by Mark Linn-Baker, a.k.a. “Cousin Larry” from Perfect Strangers). It’s weird seeing Kelly Bishop (Rory’s grandma from Gilmore Girls) and Craig T. Nelson (Coach) in this kind of thing.

“I’ll get the tickets.”
Pussy Talk

Weirdly enough, this was the first French porno to become an international success. How did that happen?

“Hey, let’s check out that new French porn movie.”

“Ugh, do we have to?”

“It’s the one with the talking pussy.”

“I’ll get the tickets.”

Bad Johnson (2014).

A man’s penis disappears, leaving a blank space behind, à la Nikolai Gogol’s weird short story, The Nose. The wayward schlong shows up later, as a walking, talking, normal-looking human being who crashes on the guy’s couch. Sample dialogue: “All those times when you pissed and then shook me, and put me back inside your underwear and I still leaked, that was just my way of telling you to go fuck yourself.”

The Groove Tube (1974).

Sketch comedy, originally slapped with an X rating, and featuring a young Chevy Chase and Richard Belzer. One sketch is a PSA about venereal disease, delivered by what appears to be a rubbery puppet. The speaker is seen in the distance, and as the camera slowly zooms in, it becomes apparent that the oddly wrinkled face atop the suit and body is actually a penis adorned with googly eyes. If this ever gets a digital release, will hi-def spoil the punchline too early?

Wicked Willie (1990).

Animated adaptation of the 1984 book Man’s Best Friend, in which a simply drawn man converses with his own anthropomorphic dick. If the comic strip “Peanuts” had actual nuts, it would look like this. (Wait — strike that. The artist seldom bothers to draw those particular appendages.)

Ogenki Clinic Adventures (1991).

Typical ’90s hentai anime in which a moustachioed doctor runs the titular clinic, and dispenses health advice that usually results in the patient having noisy sex with either the doctor or his ludicrously busty nurse. The doc’s penis talks, looks just like the doctor (he’s got an, er, distinctive head shape) and is roughly the size of a guitar. It’s all cartoonish enough to be whimsical, rather than gross.