Movie Ending Postponed, Due to Rain

In From the Vault by John Tebbutt

Cloudy tonight, with a 60% chance of messing your movie up


This week, let’s take a look at some hypothetical situations in which famous movies get screwed up by unexpected weather.

Uh…Can we do this indoors?

-If Casablanca (1942) got hit by a massive hailstorm:

(RICK and ILSA stand in an airfield, pelted by dime-sized hailstones)

RICK: “If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not on it, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today; maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. Ow! Goddamn it, that one got me right in the eye!”
ILSA: “But what about us?”
RICK: “We’ll always have Pari…Ouch! Jeez Louise! Look sweetheart, where I go you can’t follow, problems, hill of beans, yadda yadda yadda. Now get on the goddamn plane, I’m freezing my nuts off.”
PILOT: “Sorry folks! The wings are iced up. Flight’s canceled.”
RICK: “Huh. This is awkward.”

Monsters should be stored in a cool, dry place

Monsters should be stored in a cool, dry place

-If Frankenstein (1931) took place in the middle of a heat wave:

DR. F.: “How’s the forecast looking, Fritz? Any thunderstorms on the way?”
FRITZ: (snorts) “Are you kidding? It’s thirty degrees in the shade. I haven’t seen a cloud all month.”
DR. F.: “Curses! We need lightning to bring my creation to life! It’s been on this slab since June, complete, yet inert; needing only the sweet kiss of electricity to awaken its dormant potential!”
FRITZ: “Look, doc, I know I’m only your misshapen manservant and all, but don’t you think it’s time to give up on this whole ‘life-from-nonliving-tissue’ idea? This man-shaped jigsaw puzzle of yours is cool and all, but with this heat, he’s really starting to stink like an abattoir that fell into an outhouse.”
DR. F.: “You were supposed to put him in the refrigerator.”
FRITZ: “He’s seven feet tall! He wouldn’t fit! Not even after I took out the vegetable crisper and folded his legs up!
DR. F.: “It matters not! Soon, this pungent husk will live! And then I shall invent a powerful deodorant, so that he can be accepted into high society!”
FRITZ: “You mean fly society. He’s already a hit with the insect kingdom.”
DR. F.: “How dare you mock my work! I am the modern Prometheus! Soon, I shall snatch the power of creation from the hands of God himself! The World shall know of…of… (pause) Damn it, it’s too hot to yell at you. Be a dear and fetch me a cold drink, would you?”
FRITZ: “That’s more like it. Two coconut Mai Tais coming up. I’ll set up the deckchairs.”
DR. F.: “O-okay. Thanks, Fritz. I think I’ve been working too hard.”
FRITZ: “I’ll say. Look – it’s a beautiful day. Why don’t you just invent the jet ski and hit the beach?”
DR. F.: “Jet…ski?”
FRITZ: “Let me show you these blueprints I’ve been working on…”


-If The Wicker Man (1973) ended with a torrential downpour:
PAGAN LEADER: “Come on, everybody! Let’s sacrifice this interloper in a big fire, so our crops will grow again!”
VICTIM: “No! NOOOOOOO! In the name of the Lord, think what you’re doing!”
PAGANS: “Oh poop, it’s raining.”
VICTIM: “Yes! Divine intervention, baby! WOOHOO! Stupid Pagans! Think you’re so smart, with your orgies and your human sacrifices…well guess what? Your religion sucks, and Jesus just kicked your ass! Yeah! Suck it, Pagans!
PAGAN LEADER: “See, this is why nobody on the island likes you. It’s shit like this.”
PAGANS: “Oh, screw it. Let’s just stab him.”

"On your right." (Stupid girl, driving a house in the bicycle lane...)

“On your right.” (Stupid girl, driving a house in the bicycle lane…)

-If The Wizard of Oz (1939) experienced multiple tornadoes instead of just one:

DOROTHY: (landing in Oz) “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas any more!”
GLINDA: “Welcome to Oz! This Yellow Brick Road will take you to the Emerald City, where…”
DOROTHY: “Oh no! Here comes another twister!”
(with a whoosh, Dorothy is deposited at the gates of the Emerald City.)
WIZARD: “Hello! Would you like to return to your home in Kansas?”
DOROTHY: “Oh, yes please!”
WIZARD: “Then you must perform this impossible task for me. Retrieve the…”
(another tornado sweeps up Dorothy, plunking her in her bed in Kansas)
DOROTHY: “Jeepers! What a strange dream! And you were in it, and you were in it, and so were…”
(Whoosh! another tornado)
DOROTHY: “Merciful heavens! Where am I now?”
ASLAN: “You’re in the magical kingdom of Narnia!”
DOROTHY: “This is getting ridiculous, Toto!”
DOROTHY: “Oh, for Pete’s sake!”
MORPHEUS: “No one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.”
DOROTHY: “Look mister, I’ve had a really weird day. Don’t mess with me. I know kung fu.”
MORPHEUS: “Show me.”
(they fight. Dorothy is The One.)

...And your little dog, too.

…And your little dog, too.


Illustration by TomB

Originally published in FFWD Weekly on June 19, 2008