Day Jobs of the Hot and Naked

In From the Vault by John Tebbutt

Chartered accountant by day…stripper by night!
This week, Video Vulture looks at strippers with day jobs.

Better than Barb Wire?

Better than Barb Wire?

 

-Superhero: Stripperella (2003). This short-lived TV series featured Pamela Anderson as a crime-fighting pole dancer. The broadcast version of the show featured plenty of innuendo but no nudity, which really didn’t matter much since this was an animated show, thus ruining the entire point of casting Pamela Anderson as a stripper.

 

-Steel workers: The Full Monty (1997). An economic slump hits the steel manufacturing town of Sheffield. Without a source of income, the former steel workers elect to get naked as a viable alternative to waiting in the unemployment line, thus buoying up their wallets and their self-respect. While preparing for the show, the boys watch Flashdance (1983), another film to heavily feature both steelworking and stripping. The lads are unimpressed. “I hope she dances better than she welds. Look at that! Her mix is all to cock. It’s like bonfire night! That’s too much acetylene – them joints won’t hold!”

Ah, the days of trashy VHS...

Ah, the days of trashy VHS…

 

-Police detective: Stripped to Kill (1987). When an attractive police officer is determined to find the maniac stalking strippers in the Rock Bottom dance club, she does the only logical thing and goes undercover as a stripper. Her report files must have been interesting. “Here’s a bunch of one dollar bills that got tucked in my G-string. I want them dusted for prints.”

 

Oh my.

Oh my.

 

-Hypnotized cultist: Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988). Hardboiled detective Jack Chandler (Jay Richardson) is tasked with tracking down runaway Samantha (Linnea Quigley), and finds her almost immediately, at a topless dance club. Of course, he still has to rescue her from the clutches of a sinister ancient Egyptian cult, consisting of killer prostitutes who worship chainsaws. (Uh…what?!) Samantha falls under their evil spell, and performs the “Virgin dance of the double chainsaws” before snapping out of it, and having a chainsaw duel with the high priestess.

Huh. Lotta chainsaws in this movie.

 

-College student: A Night in Heaven (1983). This legendary turkey features Lesley Ann Warren as a college professor who attends a male strip club, and finds that the featured performer is one of her students. They have an affair, which probably improves the lad’s grades considerably. The film made several “ten worst” lists, and gave Bryan Adams his first hit song, “Heaven”, so thanks a lot, stupid movie.

 

-Yakuza bodyguard: Fudoh: The New Generation (1996). When an orphaned High School student starts bumping off the Yakuza gangsters who rubbed out his dad, he wisely starts walking around with bodyguards at his side. One of these bodyguards is a gorgeous stripper from the local nightspot, who’s act includes inserting a blowgun into her vagina and firing darts at targets. This skill comes in handy when she has to eliminate gangster assassins. Later on, it is revealed that she is also a hermaphrodite. Man, that Takashi Miike is one crazy filmmaker!

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEfk90Be3JE]

 

-Henchwoman for a handi-capable supervillain: Electra (1996). Insane wheelchair-bound billionaire Roach plans to take over the World by stealing a secret formula that bestows super powers. The formula in question belongs to a horny adolescent boy, who can transfer his super strength to anybody he sleeps with, so Roach employs a duo of kickboxing lesbian strippers to literally screw the powers out of him. So yeah, the is pretty much the most awesome movie ever.

 

"Our jobs are weird."

“Our jobs are weird.”

 

JOHN TEBBUTT

First published in FFWD Weekly, Dec. 18th, 2008

Illustration by TomB